Conversation Styles

In this post on communication I’ll discuss, in general terms conversation styles and how communication happens. Throughout the posts in this blog, as we explore culture and socialization I’ll call back to this post as a reference.

The four styles of conversation

As a relationship grows we find the dialogue changes from one type to another, eventually leading to a richer and more authentic conversations. Some people find this exploration of disclosure easier than others. Since then I have used this simple approach to helping people improve their inter-personal communications hundreds of times. These communications styles generally develop in consecutive order as a relationship develops. However, people often have a default style that they feel most comfortable using and fall back too, especially under stress.

Friendly, sociable, or playful
Directive, persuasive, demanding, evaluative, blaming, or praising
Speculative, tentative, uncertain, searching, reflecting, exploring or intellectual
Disclosing, revealing, explicit, responsive, accepting, and aware

Style 1 – Friendly, sociable, or playful:

The first of the communication styles meets most expectations of daily social interactions. It provides a generally acceptable tone for initial encounters or engaging with an acquaintance. The chatter associated with this style of conversation is perfect for, “small-talk” and filling the voids where more meaningful conversation might not be appropriate. This conversation style is often characterized by the omission of disclosure or personal preference – especially in a negative context; preferring to say, “I like this” over “I dislike that” in an effort to maintain agreeability. This conversation style also tends to generalize subjects with words like; “it” or “you” instead of referring to a subject by name or description. A for instance is referring to a co-worker’s new baby as, “it’s so cute” as opposed to asking, “is your baby a boy or girl?” or “what’s her name?”

Style 2 – Directive, persuasive, demanding, evaluative, blaming, or praising:

This communication style often involves sharing one’s own perspective in an attempt to change another’s with a win/lose outcome orientation. Quite often this sort of communication style leads to response blocks, misunderstandings, speaking for others, and beginning questions with, “why.” Typically, a person who is using this communication style has preconceived notions of other’s perceptions about a situation and uses their assumptions to choose their wording. They will experience cognitive dissonance and may become defensive when their perceptions are challenged. More often than not, a person using this communication style is relying on bases of power[2] they hold over others and value that power over clarification.

A person using this sort of conversation style will be seen as directing, advising, recommending or praising from a position of real or perceived authority. They may resort to name, calling or other behaviors associated with microaggressions. Another example of this type of communication style is self-depreciation, directing the evaluative and blaming language inward, “I’m so stupid…” or “It’s all my fault.” Referring to people or objects in superlatives (she’s the smartest person in the company or that was the best training ever) and imperatives (commands and ultimatums) or passing judgement (right, wrong, should, ought).

It should be noted that this style is not entirely negative and that there are certainly times when it is effective and especially for parents, police, salespeople, preachers, and medical professionals (a few examples) it must be used. However, it is generally ineffective for solving problems. It deals with issues indirectly and buries real issues. When a listener observes a person using this style of communication it can generally be inferred that a perceptual problem is present though.

Style 3 – Speculative, tentative, uncertain, searching, reflecting, exploring or intellectual:

In this third style of communication the Communicator is demonstrating a willingness to examine and explore a subject in more detail. Communication under this style is generally characterized as inquiring, and is focused on the cause of an event or behavior less than the effect or outcome. People who participate in this style of communication are typically focused on solutions, mutual understanding, and plans for the future.

When having this sort of conversation, the participants generally examine the background information by asking good, clarifying questions, developing courses of action and speculating about potential solutions. For example, “what if we were to do this?”. People who are experienced at using this style of conversation often check in with their partner for feedback and look for verbal and non-verbal responses; “what do you think?” or “does this make sense?” Although, this style of communication is an effective problem solving style, it lacks the emotional connection that occurs in the fourth and final style.

Style 4 – disclosing, revealing, explicit, responsive, accepting, and aware:

In this fourth and final style of communication we begin to see a genuine, emotional connection to the conversation that is transparent and congruent with the words being exchanged. This style requires trust between communications partners where they can express intentions and explore issues completely and openly. This style requires a great deal of emotional intelligence on the part of at least one of the participants. During this sort of discourse, the participants are able to see and explore, in themselves and each other, incongruences between emotional and cognitive processing.

People who are participating in this style of conversation communicate generally in the form of questions as opposed to statements and listen with every sense. Typically, their messages contain an “I” statement, “I noticed that…” “I feel as though…” “I thought that…” or “I would prefer…” When speaking they are generally transparent about their perceptions, feelings, and are willing to fully disclose their intentions. Generally, and effective conversation of this sort results in a win/win outcome.

[1] Johari Window: wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window

[2] Using the Bases of Power to Become a More Effective Trainer (ILEETA p.71, Willis, 2008)

Conversation Styles